Part 4 – Postop at the hospital

May 29 – I was still in ICU but they told me I will be transferred to my room in the afternoon. I was given a bed bath that morning and as simple as turning a bit on the side to wash my back was an agony ☹. I heard the alarm from the monitors because my blood pressure spiked during the time they were washing me because I was in so much pain. On this day, they also introduced me to soft diet like yogurt. I was so relieved that at least I was given something to eat, but I was only on my second spoon when I began to vomit. It was horrible because my abdominals contract and my pain shoot up as well. I feel so nauseated, dizzy, and weak. I was hungry but my body was not allowing me to eat. The nurse modified the pain meds because he thought that it could be from the meds that I have nausea. All day that day I was only able to sip some water. Patrick and Kassandra were also able to visit that day. They waited until I was transferred to my regular room before they left. 

            I was so happy seeing these 2 beside me 

May 30 – Day 3 postop. The pain was manageable with pain meds although I have to sometimes ask for extra pain pill when it was really too much to bear. For some reason I do not know, I developed some cough spells during the night and it was so painful! That morning, I was able to drink tea and eat a slice of bread without vomiting. It was a good improvement from yesterday. Also in the morning, the nurses still gave me a bed bath. Turning on the sides was still painful and having all the drains, catheter and IV lines did not help. After I was freshened up, I was then helped to sit on a reclining chair. There were 2 nurses helping me just to sit up! They were very patient with me because every part of my body was still very painful. I know the earlier I start moving, the faster my recovery would be. So, armed with that determination, I pulled all the courage I have to be able to sit up. I was only asked to sit for 20 minutes but I told them I will just call them again if I want to go back to bed. I was also able to videocall my family in the Philippines to reassure them that I am doing well and the operation was successful. 

                            3 drains, a catheter and IV lines 

Before lunch, I called the nurse to help me back into the bed because I also started having pain in my lower back from sitting too long. The nurse came and said it was a good progress sitting for more than 20 minutes. I was so happy with that small victory! Lunch time came and I tried to eat a little bit. I do not want to eat the whole thing up because I was afraid I might vomit it all out. So I was already satisfied with a bowl of soup and a bite of moussaka. Again, I considered this another small victory for that day. 

                    This was very delicious but I did not eat that much 

May 31 – Today I wanted to try to wash myself so I told the nurse who came to wash me that morning to just assist me for the places that I cannot reach. I was still in bed but this time I have the washcloth and was able to wash myself where I can. That morning, they also took 2 drains out – 1 from the breast and the other from the left side of the abdominal incision. And because I was also able to eat, they disconnected the IV drip and also took the catheter out to encourage me to pee in the toilet. I was so relieved that I only have 1 drain left so it was easier for me to move around without too many cables dangling around me. I was also able to walk around the room already, although I was walking with a stoop position because standing straight would stretch and strain the abdominal muscles and it would be very painful if I do that. Ate Lou and Mejie also visited me that day which I was very thankful for. 😊 

                        Thank you very much for these beautiful flowers 

June 1 – Because I can already move around, this time I was able to wash myself on my own in the bathroom. I did not realize how challenging it was because I cannot stand for more than 5 minutes without having pain on my low back and abdomen. I think just for doing selfcare it took me more than 30 minutes because I need to pause and sit in between washing myself. Also, there is less sensation on the right side of my thigh which according to the nurse is normal due to the operation. Sensation on the reconstructed breast was also decreased; like when a nurse would check on it, I would not feel that she was putting pressure on the skin; like it was still under anesthesia; although I can still feel pain from inside but when I will be touched from outside, there is no sensation. My appetite and food intake has been better by this time because I was already able to finish my lunch ration without vomiting. I asked the nurse if there’s already a discharge date for me, and she said they are just waiting for the doctor’s orders and once the remaining drain I have is out, then I will be discharged. 

                My lunch was Flemish stew with potato wedges 

June 2 – I woke up at 3 am today and I thought I dreamed of Clarice – then I realized it’s her birthday today. It was such an emotional day for me – I was a mess! The nurse that morning saw my puffy eyes and asked “what’s the matter?” In between sobs I talked about Clarice and how this battle I am fighting now is for her. I was glad that the nurse was just so emphatic and just sat down beside me and listened. Patrick and Kassandra who visited me every day were also surprised to see me so down that day. This was just one of those days when you just let the emotions flow. 

                        I just let myself cry the whole day that day.. 

June 3 – I was told that the last drain will be taken out today and I can be discharged in the afternoon. The nurses were telling me that I had a very good progress in terms of wound healing and wound care can be done at home. I was given the postop do’s and don’ts and to strictly follow the postop guidelines for faster wound healing and recovery. I was so happy and relieved to hear that I can go home. I called Patrick and told him the good news. At last, I can finally start a new chapter - the road to recovery.

Part 3: Surgery

 

Days leading to my hospital admission I began to set some goals for myself to do to physically and mentally prepare me for the upcoming surgery. Every day Patrick and I will walk for a minimum of 5 km or 10K step counts every morning. This is more a cardio training plus it relaxes me. And sometimes during these walks we will sit in a bench and just focus on the present moment, just being aware of our present state, paying attention on our senses, thoughts and emotions. This mindfulness meditation is a really good mental training for me that really helps calm my mind. What also calms my mind is when I sit alone in a corner to pray. One thing that really carried me through the years when faced with hardships and trials is my faith that God is good and He is bigger than my problems. Of course the thoughtful, uplifting, encouraging messages from friends, colleagues, and family really helped me a lot too. I felt seen, and heard, and validated.

Passing by our beautiful church in Menen during one of our walks

May 27 – Hospital admission, one day before the surgery. Patrick brought me to the hospital because I was scheduled for a CT scan at 1 pm. They did a preop scan of my left breast and scan with contrast for the lymphatics to mark the left sentinel node ready for tomorrow. After the scan, we went to the surgery department to settle in my room - I was given a one-person suite (to my surprise). They do not have any more place for me in a 2-person room, so it was a nice upgrade actually. Patrick was with me to help me settle in the room but he has to leave by 3 p.m. to pick up Kassandra from school and then come back to the hospital with Kassandra along, and they stayed with me until 8 pm that day.

                My biggest support system – my family!

That evening, the assistant anesthesiologist came to the room to explain to me what to expect the day of surgery. It was actually comforting to hear from the doctors what is going to happen and their reassurance that everything will be fine. The nurses were also very friendly and helpful, answering some questions I still have. I was also given an anticoagulant injection on my thigh that evening which I will receive every day until discharge. As expected, that night I found it hard to sleep. I was excited and nervous, and if I am being honest, I am a little bit afraid – thinking what if the surgery went south or what if there were complications during surgery. I do not want to entertain any more negative thoughts because it’s not going to help. So, I just prayed. I lifted everything up to God and surrender everything.

        My little girl lend me her "tiggy" so i will feel that i am hugging her

May 28 – Day of surgery. I woke up very early that morning. I think I slept a good 4 hours. The surgery is on 8 am so I will be wheeled into the operating room around 7:15 am. Even if I only had 4 hours of sleep, I was really wide awake and felt rested. I told myself, I will be sleeping the whole day today anyway during the surgery, so I can catch up with sleep then. I showered and made myself ready. A nurse came in to help me put on the TED compression stockings and then I am good to go. 

All ready in my hospital gown 😉

I was brought first to a pre-operative holding area where a nurse asked me some standard questions. At 7:30, I was brought into the OR where nurses and doctors were already getting ready. I felt a bit cold when we entered the OR. The plastic surgeon asked me to stand up then he marked my abdomen with what I assumed to be his incision sites. I was then asked to lie down on the operating table where I was positioned with my both arms abducted and strapped. The nurses came to connect me with all that machines, cables, and IV lines. My gynecologist/surgeon who will do first the mastectomy came to give me a pat on a shoulder and told me that everything will be alright. She is always that comforting and encouraging. After what seems like forever, the anesthesiologist came, asked me a few questions and then the masked was put on my nose and I was out…

 

At 6 pm I heard someone calling my name. it was the nurse asking me how I feel. The room was dimly lit and I heard some tooting sound from monitors which were connected to me for my vitals. I remembered waking up with so much pain I was even crying. I also was so thirsty but I was only given a water swab to wet my lips as I was still NPO.  For the pain, the nurse on duty gave me a stronger pain meds and then I dozed off again.. I stayed in the intensive care unit for a day after the operation for close monitoring. The nurse was checking on me every 30 minutes. Aside from the vitals, they were checking on the wounds, wound drains, urinary output from catheter, and most specially the reconstructed left breast if blood circulation was optimal. I was the whole time just lying on my back with the headboard slightly higher; turning on the sides was not allowed because of wound drains on both my left and right sides;  and also I cannot turn even if I wanted to because of so much pain. My incision was from my left to the right hip and the slightest movement was excruciatingly painful. 

From routine checkup to diagnosis (part 2.1)

    

14 May: This day is my last session with the psychologist before my operation on the 22^nd. A lot of realizations and self-awareness. My take home from the session is that your childhood really plays a consequential role in your adulthood. Don’t get me wrong, I had a wonderful childhood. My papsie and mama did everything to provide a safe and happy environment for us. We were loved and cared for the best way they knew how. But also I grew up in a generation when talking back to your elders, (even when you just to want to explain your side of the story), was already considered disrespectful; or when we cry because we were hurt from a fall or had a fight with a playmate, we were just told to zip it. And apparently, subconsciously, if I am confronted with the negative emotions, that I handle it with this learned behavior from childhood – just zip it in. Consequently, those big emotions were not given place and time to be processed. In time, these repressed and suppressed emotions will just have to find its place out. As for me, it manifests with panic attacks at night.. and unpacking these buried emotions that I have suppressed from grieving the loss of my sister and grieving for the state of my present health condition need time..

  walking the dog everyday to prep me physically for the operation

  reaching more than my target step count goal per day =)

16 May: Got a call from surgery to tell me that the planned operation on May 22 will be postponed due to the healthcare strike on that day. There would not be enough personnel for the surgery that day so they moved it on May 28. I will be admitted on May 27 for preoperative scan and other preop labs and the next morning is the operation. How do I feel about these changes? If I am being honest, it is already mentally exhausting to wait this long only to receive a call that I have to wait another more week. It’s mentally draining. I am having panic attacks at night. I would wake up in the middle of the night with rapid heart rate, like I can literally hear the fast ‘lubdub’ sound of my heart beating  and then I cannot go back to sleep anymore. There are nights when I only have 2 hours of sleep and I am just wide awake staring at the ceiling wishing that sleep will finally visit me..  During the day, I will keep myself busy with anything to do in the house and then I will find myself all of a sudden with crying fits. I feel like sometimes my emotions are all over the place, uncontrollable, out of nowhere sneaking out of me without any warning. And then they are telling me I still have another week of waiting before the operation.. another week of this emotional mess?

I am totally overridden with mental anxiety, stress, fear, resentment, anger, also denial – I just sometimes do not want to accept the fact that I have cancer, who does? which I think is completely normal; especially being a mom.. I just want to spare my child with hardships that comes along with this diagnosis.. we (as mothers) typically tend to put ourselves way at the bottom of the barrel.. our priority ALL THE TIME is our children and family – it is just what we are hardwired to do. We tried to do everything to make everyone happy, thriving, and doing well while we also juggle with our own careers and work-related responsibilities.. we wear so many hats that we sometimes forget to take care of ourselves. I think more than anything, this sickness is going to teach me about letting other people help me.. and letting me take care of me because I have not done that in a long time..

they can feel my state of mind and so they kept me company

to be continued...

Part 2 From routine checkup to diagnosis

I let myself cried that day after receiving the dreaded news. The part that broke my heart into pieces was when Kassandra asked “Mom, are you going to die?” This was the moment when I held my child tight and assured her that mommy will fight to live. Kassandra does not know about cancer until she heard about my sister Clarice… and the only concept that she has of it is linked with death because of what happened to her aunt. So it was devastating, as a mother, to hear about her fear that I could die. It is at that moment of vulnerability that I told myself, I have to be strong for her. I have to compose myself and not show her that I am terrified inside. You know when you are going through so much emotions deep inside but you have to push and buried it away so your child will not see you in that state of weakness? – that is what I did. The next day, I went back to work. I have to make all administrative work in order and make all my backlogs of prescription and PT notes up to date among other things. I also already filed for leave for the week after because I am scheduled for a genetic screening and appointment with the breast clinic nurse.

 

April 14 was the first time I had a meeting with Marie, the breast clinic nurse. A very empathic, soft-spoken lady. She must have done this a million times already because she was so calm and reassuring in answering all the questions I threw on her. She then again explained to me that because my cancer is at stage 0 — abnormal cells were found in the lining of the breast milk duct but has not YET spread into the surrounding breast tissue — I don’t need radiation or chemotherapy after the surgery, which actually a good news. I then asked “why so drastic the treatment when the cancer cells has not even invaded the surrounding tissue?” She then went on explaining that although it is non-invasive now, if not treated, might evolve into the invasive type. And according to the biopsy report, what I have is a high grade type DCIS with possible micro-invasion and with an extensive zone of 5.5 cm in MRI. And the best treatment for it is to remove the left breast totally. At that point, I just cannot control my emotions anymore and cried my heart out. . An overwhelming feeling of helplessness just came over me. I must have looked so torn and lost that I heard her already on the other line arranging for a psychological appointment for me. That day, I also needed to have my blood extracted for the genetic screening so I was ushered to the laboratory as well.

                                                       Info brochures handed to me to read

 

April 16 was my first appointment with the psychologist, Hanan. My session with her was supposedly just for an hour but it went on for almost 2 hours because half of the time I was just bawling and weeping. It was clear in that session that I was still grieving for the loss of my sister, and grieving now for the uncertainty of my situation. It was during that session that the emotion of so much grief just came out of the surface.

April 18 – Patrick accompanied me with my appointment with the plastic surgeon. The first thing I noticed when we went in his office was all the certificates and achievements hanging on his wall. I don’t know if it is supposed to assure me that he is one of the best surgeons in the country because it was more intimidating to me. He has this aura of “I have done this for so many times and I know what I’m doing” kind of vibe.  Very professional and a matter-of-factly kind of way in explaining to me the different breast reconstruction procedures and the pros and cons of each. You know that very smart and meticulous kind of doctor like Dr. Cristina Yang (of Grey’s anatomy). I also did my research before coming to this meeting, so hearing the explanation of the expert only strengthen my decision on choosing the DIEP flap surgery.  

 A very long hallway going to plastic surgery department

 

April 23 – Another psychotherapy session and this time the emotion that came out was deep-seated guilt, hopelessness and despair. It was a roller coaster of emotions! I find this session so emotionally exhausting because I didn’t know I have those emotions buried inside me. Guilt that I was not able to come home to say my last goodbye to my sister. Guilt that I was not physically present to support her emotionally when she was going through so much pain and suffering. It was a session of dark emotions – I was angry and blaming myself for everything that’s happening to me. This is the side of me I didn’t know existed and I barely recognized myself during that session.

 My once a week session since my diagnosis 

April 24 – Another meeting with the onco team to discuss changes in the treatment plan. Due to the family history of an aggressive cancer I was advised to wait for the result of the genetic testing. They have to rule out genetic factor as it can affect the course of treatment. If genetic screening turns out to be positive then a double mastectomy is highly advisable. And because I chose autologous breast reconstruction, waiting for the result of the genetic test is the most logical thing to do if in case double mastectomy should be performed. The tentative date of surgery of May 5 was then postponed for further advice. My mind was at that moment in panic mode. How long should we wait? What if the cancer cells spread? I was then reassured that they already ordered to expedite the genetic screening so results will be in 2 to 4 weeks. I went home not feeling reassured at all…

April 29 – Got a call from the breast clinic nurse for an appointment with the surgeon as the genetic test result was received and it was in my favor.. I have an appointment on May 5 to finalize the schedule for surgery.

April 30 – Maybe because of the good result of the genetic test, I felt so relieved like a big chunk of burden on my shoulders was pulled out. The session with my psychologist that day was a little bit lighter. Coming home, I felt more hopeful..

May 5 – At the multidisciplinary onco consult, the surgery is scheduled on May 22. I will be admitted on May 21 for preop preparations. I was also scheduled for a CT scan of the abdomen on May 7. This is needed for the DIEP flap surgery.

To be continued…