14 May: This day is my last session with the psychologist before my operation on the 22nd. A lot of realizations and self-awareness. My take home from the session is that your childhood really plays a consequential role in your adulthood. Don’t get me wrong, I had a wonderful childhood. My papsie ang mama did everything to provide a safe and happy environment for us. We were loved and cared for the best way they knew how. But also I grew up in a generation when talking back to your elders, (even when you just to want to explain your side of the story), was already considered disrespectful; or when we cry because we were hurt from a fall or had a fight with a playmate, we were just told to zip it. And apparently, subconsciously, if I am confronted with the negative emotions, that I handle it with this learned behavior from childhood – just zip it in. Consequently, those big emotions were not given place and time to be processed. In time, these repressed and suppressed emotions will just have to find its place out. As for me, it manifests with panic attacks at night.. and unpacking these buried emotions that I have suppressed from grieving the loss of my sister and grieving for the state of my present health condition need time..
16 May: Got a call from surgery to tell me that the planned operation on May 22 will be postponed due to the healthcare strike on that day. There would not be enough personnel for the surgery that day so they moved it on May 28. I will be admitted on May 27 for preoperative scan and other preop labs and the next morning is the operation. How do I feel about these changes? If I am being honest, it is already mentally exhausting to wait this long only to receive a call that I have to wait another more week. It’s mentally draining. I am having panic attacks at night. I would wake up in the middle of the night with rapid heart rate, like I can literally hear the fast ‘lubdub’ sound of my heart beating and then I cannot go back to sleep anymore. There are nights when I only have 2 hours of sleep and I am just wide awake staring at the ceiling wishing that sleep will finally visit me.. During the day, I will keep myself busy with anything to do in the house and then I will find myself all of a sudden with crying fits. I feel like sometimes my emotions are all over the place, uncontrollable, out of nowhere sneaking out of me without any warning. And then they are telling me I still have another week of waiting before the operation.. another week of this emotional mess?
I am totally overridden with mental anxiety, stress, fear, resentment, anger, also denial – I just sometimes do not want to accept the fact that I have cancer, who does? which I think is completely normal; especially being a mom.. I just want to spare my child with hardships that comes along with this diagnosis.. we (as mothers) typically tend to put ourselves way at the bottom of the barrel.. our priority ALL THE TIME is our children and family – it is just what we are hardwired to do. We tried to do everything to make everyone happy, thriving, and doing well while we also juggle with our own careers and work-related responsibilities.. we wear so many hats that we sometimes forget to take care of ourselves. I think more than anything, this sickness is going to teach me about letting other people help me.. and letting me take care of me because I have not done that in a long time..
they can feel my state of mind and so they kept me companyto be continued...