From routine checkup to diagnosis (Part 1)

 

I am sitting here in front of my laptop contemplating – thinking what I should write first. These past months have been very difficult for me, emotionally and mentally.. so many things have been in my head and it’s overwhelming – my mind is in chaos.. and when things are not in order, there is a tendency to shut down and I don’t want that to happen. So here I am trying to collect my thoughts and doing my very best to make sense of what has happened, what’s happening and what’s going to happen next..

WHAT HAS HAPPENED

To put things in perspective, maybe it’s better to start from the beginning of this year – January. The start of the year 2025 has not been good for the family. This was the month when my younger sister Clarice died. This has been devastating for us all to say the least.. She was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 years prior. She had undergone mastectomy, chemo and radiation. She was recovering well…in fact she even returned to work early last year (2024). Then her cancer came back with a vengeance! And this time it metastasized to her lungs and liver… she was still fighting until the very end for her children but her fragile body was not able to take it anymore – then she finally succumbed.. it was heartbreaking for all of us..

  Videocall with the family was the only thing I could do because I couldn’t go home…

WHAT’S HAPPENING

February 26, I had my appointment with my gynecologist. It was just a routine checkup.. and since I am also turning 50 this year and transitioning to menopause, I told myself, this is also the right time to ask prescription for  my pre-menopausal symptoms of mood swings and night sweats.. I mentioned to my doctor what happened to my sister and how aggressive her cancer was. There are no other family history of cancer for both my mother and father side. I remember the look of concern I saw on her face and she said she will also order a mammogram as part of the routine check. The next day I went for the mammo screening.

March 4, I got a call from my gynecologist. I was at work and was not able to answer her call in the morning so I returned her call by noon during my lunchbreak. I was told that I have to go back for another mammo and an echo because they have seen something suspicious in the left breast. I was then scheduled on March 6. If you have not had a mammo screening before, then I tell you this – it was really painful for me. They said it’s not that bad, but for me it was. Your breast would be in between two plates and compressed for what seems like eternity.. and then they are telling me to go back and do it all over again?!

March 10 my gynecologist called and informed me that the same lesion was seen but it is not conclusive. So I was advised for an MRI scan and the earliest that they can book me is on March 22. At this time, I am already developing some form of anxiety. I have difficulty sleeping and if I finally was able to sleep, I would wake up in the middle of the night with raising heart rates. Going to work has been my solace as it diverts my mind into thinking all sorts of bad things plus it keeps me busy. I don’t want to entertain any bad thoughts and I don’t want to worry for nothing so going to work has been a good diversion.

  I don’t know why but going inside the MRI room was so terrifying for me..

March 25 another call from my gynecologist telling me she has just received the MRI report and that the lesion seen on my left breast was approximately 5.5 cm x 4.4 cm x 2.2 cm… and because it was BIRADS 4 on the report, biopsy was then recommended. I was then scheduled for a stereotactic breast biopsy on March 31. It has then dawned on me that this might be really serious. Now I have to go for biopsy! So many questions and so much emotions gushing through me.. I was trying not to be overcome by fear. It was a struggle, but I have to maintain control and stay strong.

The day of the biopsy, I was actually feeling perky and positive. I am conditioning my mind that everything will be fine. The procedure itself was something else. If I give mammogram a pain scale of 6/10, I will give biopsy a pain scale of 10/10. It was excruciatingly painful! Like in the mammo where the breast is compressed in between plates, the biopsy I had was the same -  my left breast was pressed in between plates while a long needle was inserted inside to suck a portion of breast tissue while I am not allowed to move even a fraction of a movement. I was just lying there crying and biting my tongue to keep me from moving, but deep inside I was screaming from pain. The nurse said a local anesthesia was administered but I felt every single thing! It’s a good thing Patrick was with me to drive me home because moving my left arm was just impossible without pain.

    Another day at the hospital…

April 3 while at work, I was already feeling more anxious. I was already expecting a call from the day before but they have not called me yet.  That afternoon, I was in front of the computer when I felt my heart skipped a beat or I’m having  tachycardia, I don't know anymore... I felt that there was something so I asked our head nurse in the room if I can get my phone to check if I had a call. And there it was - 3 missed calls. It was my gynecologist. I called her back and the first thing she said was “I’m afraid I don’t have a good news for you…” and everything just went blurred. I was on the phone hearing about the next appointment with a multidisciplinary team and that further questions will be discussed and answered during that meeting, but I don’t actually understand anymore what else she said in that phone conversation. I just remember crying after that phone call and my head nurse even volunteered to drive me home if needed. I remembered sitting there for awhile crying my heart out and after that I composed myself to be able to drive home. I did not even finish my duty that time. All I just wanted was to go home and be comforted by Patrick and Kassandra.

April 8 was our wedding anniversary. Patrick and I are 14 years married. But instead of celebrating that day or having an anniversary date, we were inside a conference room with doctors and nurse. The diagnosis – DCIS. I have ductal carcinoma in situ. Ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) is a type of early-stage cancer where cancer cells form in the lining of the milk ducts in the breasts. The doctors were very comforting in telling me that it’s a good thing it was detected early and prognosis for DCIS are very good. They further explained that because my DCIS is grade 3 or high grade and it’s quite big (5.5 cm), the most appropriate treatment with high rate of success is mastectomy of the left breast. And if I consent, a constructive surgery can also be done on the same day. They gave me a tentative date of operation which is May 5. Days leading to the surgery, I still have to do some blood works, genetic screening, appointments with plastic surgeon, appointments with psychologist and meetings with breast clinic nurse to arrange other administrative work. I walked out of that meeting with so much questions than ever and a feeling of overwhelm cascading over my body. How could this be happening to me? How to break the news to my mother who just lost her daughter in breast cancer just a few months back? I don’t know how to deal with these heavy emotions when I am still grieving for a loss of a sister from breast cancer, and then 2 months after losing her, I was also diagnosed with breast cancer. How can life be so unfair?

  Medical oncology waiting room

To be continued...