I let myself cried that day after receiving the dreaded news. The part that broke my heart into pieces was when Kassandra asked “Mom, are you going to die?” This was the moment when I held my child tight and assured her that mommy will fight to live. Kassandra does not know about cancer until she heard about my sister Clarice… and the only concept that she has of it is linked with death because of what happened to her aunt. So it was devastating, as a mother, to hear about her fear that I could die. It is at that moment of vulnerability that I told myself, I have to be strong for her. I have to compose myself and not show her that I am terrified inside. You know when you are going through so much emotions deep inside but you have to push and buried it away so your child will not see you in that state of weakness? – that is what I did. The next day, I went back to work. I have to make all administrative work in order and make all my backlogs of prescription and PT notes up to date among other things. I also already filed for leave for the week after because I am scheduled for a genetic screening and appointment with the breast clinic nurse.
April 14 was the
first time I had a meeting with Marie, the breast clinic nurse. A very empathic,
soft-spoken lady. She must have done this a million times already because she
was so calm and reassuring in answering all the questions I threw on her. She then
again explained to me that because my cancer is at stage 0 — abnormal cells
were found in the lining of the breast milk duct but has not YET spread into
the surrounding breast tissue — I don’t need radiation or chemotherapy after
the surgery, which actually a good news. I then asked “why so drastic the treatment
when the cancer cells has not even invaded the surrounding tissue?” She then
went on explaining that although it is non-invasive now, if not treated, might
evolve into the invasive type. And according to the biopsy report, what I have
is a high grade type DCIS with possible micro-invasion and with an extensive zone
of 5.5 cm in MRI. And the best treatment for it is to remove the left breast
totally. At that point, I just cannot control my emotions anymore and cried my
heart out. . An overwhelming feeling of helplessness just came over me. I must
have looked so torn and lost that I heard her already on the other line
arranging for a psychological appointment for me. That day, I also needed to have
my blood extracted for the genetic screening so I was ushered to the laboratory
as well.
April 16 was my first appointment
with the psychologist, Hanan. My session with her was supposedly just for an
hour but it went on for almost 2 hours because half of the time I was just bawling
and weeping. It was clear in that session that I was still grieving for the
loss of my sister, and grieving now for the uncertainty of my situation. It was
during that session that the emotion of so much grief just came out of the
surface.
April 18 – Patrick accompanied me
with my appointment with the plastic surgeon. The first thing I noticed when we
went in his office was all the certificates and achievements hanging on his
wall. I don’t know if it is supposed to assure me that he is one of the best
surgeons in the country because it was more intimidating to me. He has this
aura of “I have done this for so many times and I know what I’m doing” kind of
vibe. Very professional and a matter-of-factly
kind of way in explaining to me the different breast reconstruction procedures
and the pros and cons of each. You know that very smart and meticulous kind of
doctor like Dr. Cristina Yang (of Grey’s anatomy). I also did my research
before coming to this meeting, so hearing the explanation of the expert only
strengthen my decision on choosing the DIEP flap surgery.
A very long hallway going to plastic surgery department
April 24 – Another meeting with
the onco team to discuss changes in the treatment plan. Due to the family history
of an aggressive cancer I was advised to wait for the result of the genetic
testing. They have to rule out genetic factor as it can affect the course of
treatment. If genetic screening turns out to be positive then a double
mastectomy is highly advisable. And because I chose autologous breast reconstruction,
waiting for the result of the genetic test is the most logical thing to do if
in case double mastectomy should be performed. The tentative date of surgery of
May 5 was then postponed for further advice. My mind was at that moment in panic
mode. How long should we wait? What if the cancer cells spread? I was then reassured
that they already ordered to expedite the genetic screening so results will be
in 2 to 4 weeks. I went home not feeling reassured at all…
April 29 – Got a call from the
breast clinic nurse for an appointment with the surgeon as the genetic test
result was received and it was in my favor.. I have an appointment on May 5 to finalize the schedule for surgery.
April 30 – Maybe because of the
good result of the genetic test, I felt so relieved like a big chunk of burden
on my shoulders was pulled out. The session with my psychologist that day was a
little bit lighter. Coming home, I felt more hopeful..
May 5 – At the multidisciplinary onco consult, the surgery is scheduled on May 22. I will be admitted on May 21 for preop preparations. I was also scheduled for a CT scan of the abdomen on May 7. This is needed for the DIEP flap surgery.
To be continued…
